My Beginning

Healing from Domestic Violence is Possible

Mended Harmony

My beginning started in the most unlikely of ways - it felt like I was spinning on an uncontrollable emotional spiral. I was confused, afraid, felt like my body had been totally taken over and I couldn't control any part of it. My days were filled with immeasurable anxiety, tears out of left field, and this overwhelming feeling of dread. These days turned into weeks and they turned into months. I could not for the life of me figure out what was happening. I saw doctors, who ran tests, checked all my hormone levels just to find that I was alright. A couple of them, which told me I was perfectly healthy physically, tried to prescribe me anti-depressants. They said that would "fix my emotional problem". One went so far as to tell me that I needed to go back to college and occupy my time with getting a higher degree to get better. I honestly felt that it was my impending 30th birthday causing the emotional wreckage I found myself in. Needless to say, my milestone birthday came and went - though somewhat relieved to have it over with - my mysterious episodes continued.

I had my first truly MAJOR panic attack and it scared me to death. So much so, that I finally decided that whatever this was I couldn't fix it on my own...I needed help! I wrestled with the never-ending turmoil for eight months (February - October). Deep down in my heart, I knew something much bigger was working its way to the surface. Reaching out for help felt a bit odd to me after nine years of "fighting" my own battles. The day, October 29th, came and I knew this was my last alternative to figure all this out. I walked into my first therapy appointment not knowing what was about to happen. It was on this day that I finally got a name to identify ALL of my "symptoms" with - it was like the storm clouds had lifted and this tiny ray of sunshine came beaming in. Leaving my session, we had more of a game plan. We were figuring out MY strategy..because I was suffering from PTSD due to the domestic violence/abuse I had endured from my now ex-husband. Funny thing was, I had never thought about that before. To me, PTSD was something that war veterans face..not me. Even more of an "Ah-Ha" moment was in realizing that there was still a lot of buried emotions/triggers/situations from the DV that I had never dealt with.

My therapist helped me to see it from the viewpoint that in this time in my life, in this moment in time - subconsciously I was ready to face the final hurdle. Previously, I hadn't truly been equipped to tackle these demons that for the sake of self-preservation I had buried WAY down deep. Not that they haven't always been in the background helping to orchestrate my mannerisms, thought processes, and shaping my everyday habits. Believe me, they had always been there! I just wasn't ready to face them, back then I didn't have the support system that I have now. Not to mention, although I had grown into a strong individual in the midst of it, my brain just knew I wasn't strong enough to deal with everything plus this too. The work I put into starting my life over after finding the courage to leave the abuse was HARD, HARD work! To be completely honest, this in no small way blindsided me! I genuinely felt that I had done all the work that was needed and that I was fine. I had in fact rebuilt my life, was supporting my own self, and had become happy with life.

​Sitting in her office, it dawned on me - in all the labored work I had already done, I hadn't faced the most hurtful and painful part: saying and accepting the fact that I WAS a victim! I HAD been a victim! I didn't even want to say the word out loud..VICTIM. Every time I would say that word in my mind, it would stop just short of being spoken out of my mouth. I knew I couldn't start to accept that aspect and work through it until I could verbalize it. Finding the inner strength to say that word aloud to just myself, alone in my apartment, was monumental! All that I could do was cry when I heard myself say it, say "I am a victim. I was a victim." For me, saying it - putting it out into the open air, made it real. It was as though ice cold water had been dashed across my spirit. But, I began to finally allow myself to realize my truth about being victimized. In the light of this new found self-awareness, I could vividly feel just how weighted down and burdened I was. All these years, I had been carrying around this incredible weight of burden. Now, I sensed just how much it had been draining me and how heavy it was to pack around on my shoulders. I wanted that burden lifted from my life!

The helpful guidance of my therapist gave me the tools and direction I needed to navigate this new terrain of mine. I had really joyful days, where I felt so alive like I was seeing life for the first time. Then, I had really low days, filled with more anxiety..panic attacks..and uncertainty. I was reshaping how I saw the world around me, recalibrating my thoughts to work with me and not against me. I started noticing and bringing to the forefront triggers that I didn't even know were triggers. Who am I kidding? Until now, I didn't even know what a trigger was..let alone that I had them. But, work through them I did! I found a renewed sense of purpose and a refreshed passion for living life all over again!

I was put upon this course in my life the day I married the man who tried to permanently break my spirit...I started my journey of reclaiming my life that day in December when I found my courage to finally leave for good...I became a warrior when I was reconstructing my heart, mind, and soul from the destruction I had lived in...but, I can enthusiastically shout it from the roof tops: My beginning took flight the day this woman faced the victim she had been to see the survivor that she is!! My heart overflows with jubilation to be able to see the beautiful, intelligent, and strong woman being a victim created. Just like the lotus flower, I was brought out of the muddy clay, a vibrant creation! I am ecstatic to say that my discharge therapy session will be a week from tomorrow! I am forever changed by what was done to me, there is no doubt. Above it all, the broken pieces I once was are now put back together in an intricate masterpiece!

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​Thank you for taking the time to read my story to healing, feel free to share yours! And remember, you are never alone!